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Looking For Someone To Want

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BY: KEZIA ROYER-BURKETT

Yayyyy!!! We can rejoice if you are single like me, we have made it through the hardest holidays for single people, and now we can look to the future and figure this single life out with a bit of ease. Christmas and Valentine’s Day can be annoying for us singles, as we are constantly reminded that we are indeed single! Family members have asked, when are you getting married? You’re smart and good looking why are you still single? No Valentine’s this year? Maybe you are too picky…Yes, yes! Perhaps I am too picky about men I would consider dating, but I think I have every reason and right to be. But my reason and rights for being picky when it comes to dating are not relevant at this time. 

I listened to this lady named Abraham Hicks on YouTube, she’s a motivational spiritual speaker, and she said (not verbatim) that sometimes we should go through life looking to want something.  She gave a great analogy of when you go to the store or shopping mall, and the sales attendant says, Hi, Can I help you? She said her husband would often respond and say, no we’re just looking for something to want. Abraham went on to say that a lot of times when we go to the store or shopping mall we go with something in mind and we end up leaving with other items we saw and wanted so we purchased it. I think this analogy can be applied to dating, I am open to dating and being in a committed relationship, but right now I am in the stage of looking for something to want.  And just like shopping when I see it, I’ll know I want it.

At times we put way too much pressure on receiving precisely what we want that we don’t relax and flow. I’ve tried the lists of what I want in a man and compared it when dating but I’ve realized the relationships I was most happy in, and most in love in were the ones that developed naturally and unforced.  I’ve said this before in past articles that I think the key to happiness while being single is to find a healthy balance of getting to know yourself and being open to understanding people of interest as well.  If we don’t correctly connect and know ourselves, it will be difficult to know what you want and impossible to look for something you want.  So maybe the process for successful dating should be, to know yourself then be open to looking for someone to want. Shana the founder of Toronto Black Singles United group has some tips for single people.

1. Put your best face forward. Meaning ensure your pictures on dating profiles or social media are the best representation of yourself.  A potential suitor may be interested in you and may begin to browse your online presence and become turned off before ever getting to know you.

2. Before joining a dating website or group and putting yourself out there as an eligible single, ensure that you have worked out your past relationship and personal issues.

3. Have fun! -Get out of your comfort zone. Date a little older or younger if you can. Don’t have too many rules and try something different.  If you have had the same dating style for years and it isn’t working for you dare to permit yourself to switch it up.

4. If you’re single and looking to mingle, be open minded and treat dating as an audition or an interview. Accept that rejection and disappointments are a part of the deal of dating and shouldn’t keep you from trying again.

5. And remember dating is a process. There are several phases, so take your time, get to know the individual you are interested in, go on a few dates before pulling the plug or making any final decisions.

My tip for singles is to take a self-awareness test or a love languages test to know yourself, be aware of your expectations, wants and needs in a relationship. Self-awareness can help you with every relationship in your life, not just romantic ones.  No one should know YOU, better than YOU.

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How to implement the practice of vulnerable communication

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BY: KEZIA ROYER-BURKETT

What is vulnerable communication? The word vulnerable means a person that is in a position of being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. The word communication means the imparting or exchange of information or news. If I sum up a meaning based on these definitions, vulnerable communications are the sharing of information (feelings, thoughts, etc.) while you are in a position where your feelings could be hurt, your thoughts could be judged, and you can be left feeling less than. For many people, including me, vulnerable communication sounds insanely scary and way out of my controlling comfort zone, but what is life without balance?  I don’t think I was ever taught to be vulnerable; my dad always taught me never to show weakness, never cry in front of people and to always rely on myself and my abilities. But in a relationship, lack of vulnerability can be detrimental and as well as lack of communication. All healthy, loving relationships need good communication practices included into the foundation but communicating sometimes is the least of our worries. We know how to communicate, but do we know how to communicate with love and understanding? I think vulnerable communication is valuable in every relationship because it allows two individuals to connect to each other and love each other and display love in a healthy balanced manner.

I once read a funny meme that said that we spend the first two years of children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk then we spend the following twelve years telling them to sit down and stop talking – LOL. Society teaches us to be quiet, not to be attention seeking or free thinking, we are expected to act like everyone else and be “good” people. The innate instinct to protect oneself from harm can sometimes take over areas of our lives where defense mechanisms are not needed, and relationships are one of them. The norm is not to freely express emotions and to push uncomfortable topics under the rug.

To me, vulnerable communication is like going on a journey to understanding town and empathy city, where there is no judgment, but there are love and trust. When in a disagreement with a loved one and emotions intensify, most times logic begins to decrease drastically. Here are some points on how you can practice vulnerable communication;

  • When communicating with a loved one about how you feel use verbs during your moments of vulnerable communication. Like I need, want, desire, hope for, etc. so that you are focusing on your needs while expressing your thoughts and feelings and not concentrate on your partner’s shortcoming or issues you may have with them at the time.
  • Be detailed and speak specifically. If you can’t remember all of the details, then it’s probably not essential and cannot help. Truthfully communicate your thoughts and feelings.
  • Get out of your head, being vulnerable means that you are sharing all of yourself without hiding behind the defense walls we put up so people can perceive us in a certain light. Ideal vulnerable communication allows no room for judgment by self or others.

Being vulnerable doesn’t always feel good, actually, it has never felt good to me.  But it is the best way to communicate clearly, humbly and intentionally on difficult subjects and to be a genuine person. Vulnerable communication can only have successful results in a secure, loving, healthy, balanced committed relationship. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship, but the people involved have to love each other, differences and all. Vulnerable communication isn’t the and all be all, answer to relationship issues, but it is a great tool that disrupts the idea of judgment and regret. Hard to be regretful when you sincerely and lovingly share your thoughts and feelings with a loved one, with only the hope of being understood and heard. If you are in a healthy, loving relationship, you should be able to fearlessly be yourself and share your thoughts, opinions, and feelings with your loved one.

Are you dating or in a relationship? How do you communicate with your partner in difficult situations? Email me at Kezia@carib101.com with all of your love and relationship stories and if you have any questions or need some advice about dating and relationships. I love reading your stories and kind words of support. Love and Light.

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How men subconsciously lower women’s expectations

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BY: KEZIA ROYER-BURKETT

The internet and social media have opened doors that can never be closed and made the world into a global community.  From a smartphone, I can watch a man in Ghana, the UK, Chicago, Los Angeles or my own city Toronto surprise, propose and marry his girlfriend in a fifty-eight-second video.  I can watch the groom, and the groomsmen do a remarkable dance tribute to the bride, watch a wife surprise her husband with her pregnancy and watch the cutest couple gender reveal. I can do all of this while I sit in the comfort of my living room on my couch, daydreaming of all the special romantic moments I want to have one day. I have dated (gone on dates with, spent time with) some men, and I have noticed a similar pattern in the way men handle romance. I have noticed that some men are not that keen on our new global community and feel romantic Instagram videos are a misrepresentation of real life and set women up to have unrealistic expectations. I have heard plenty of men say that women believe that what they see on tv or social media is real and have unrealistic fantasy expectations for men. I would like to challenge this logic as it is a mindset that I feel breaths misogyny.

I dated this guy, and one day as we drove we were listening to some lover’s rock reggae, and I said that I always wanted a love like how it’s described in reggae songs. Or I wanted to marry a reggae artist and have him write, sing and perform beautiful reggae love songs that “I” inspired all over the world. It was my fantasy, I knew the likelihood of me marrying a reggae artist who would write love songs inspired by me was a reach, but so are some of the ladies bodies in men magazines, because that is how fantasies work. But the guy decided to tell me that I should never want to marry a reggae artist because they go on tour and cheat on their wives, instantly crushing my fantasy and annoying me slightly. I felt annoyed because the guy couldn’t fathom the idea of being so in love that it inspires a work of art, he just wanted me to be happy with the lack of romance he was offering me and subconsciously lowering my expectations.

Fast forward to last week, I’m out to lunch with a guy friend, and I’m on Instagram, and a video of a gender reveal proposal popped up on my timeline. I reveled in the romance of the video and showed it to my friend and shared how cute I thought it was, and there came the natural disdain I saw from other men. He went on to say; women specifically cannot differentiate that this moment posted on Instagram isn’t everyday life and I was astounded by the sexist comments that were coming out of my friend’s mouth. He said that women see these videos and expect a variation of this every day and that is unattainable and unrealistic. I asked him which women really thought that? I defended us women and told him that social media could be compared to anything in mainstream media.

I believe that the average human being has the understanding that life is not one dimensional but is multi-faceted. We understand what our individual everyday life looks like, but we women also have the expanded mental capacity to desire special moments among the mundane daily life. Many past boyfriends have told me that I want a tv, fantasy relationship and that my expectations are unrealistic. But the fact remains that real men are being romantic to their women and posting it for the world to see. I think men lower women’s expectations subconsciously by telling them that their wants are unrealistic. I think it’s silly for a man to think any women could work a full-time job, be a mom, and look like Kim Kardashian without a nanny, chef, or assistant. 

In my opinion, I think the issue is less with social media, the internet, our growing global community or unrealistic expectations. The real problems stem from lack of vulnerable communication. Next week’s article will be about Vulnerable Communication.  Has a partner ever lowered your expectations? Share your stories and questions about love and relationships to Kezia@carib101.com.

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Response to: Dating in the church gone wrong

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BY: KEZIA ROYER-BURKETT

Last week’s “Dating in the church gone wrong” was the most popular article I have written to date. Thank you so much to all the readers that took their time to read and send in their stories, opinions, and comments. It sparked a discussion surrounding what appears to be a controversial topic, dating in church. Many readers had questions about what exactly I meant by using the term “dating”. According to Wikipedia “dating” is a stage of a romantic relationship whereby two people meet socially with the aim of deciding whether they are a match for marriage, and that definition is the one I intended when I referred to “dating” in my last article.

A sad reminder that was apparent from my previous article is that many people are faced with the reality of influential people sharing their strong, overbearing opinions and dictating how other individuals should live their lives. Strong views, at times, can indeed override one’s thoughts and feelings and put you in a position where your thoughts and feelings are submissive to the influencers.  I received many comments from readers telling me where the gentleman in the story went wrong, and how it wasn’t the church’s fault, and how I should go about finding a husband. In a day and age where there are dating apps, dating advice professionals, matchmaker consultants, pastors and family members telling individuals how to date, when do the people who are single have the opportunity to self-check what they want and desire in a life partner?

Where are the people and services teaching people how to be self-aware about who they are and the qualities they desire in a partner? Is there a formula for a successful relationship that will lead to a long happy marriage?  Some cultures believe that arranged marriages are best and the parents should choose a life partner for their child. Various religions and cultures have practices that are intended to join two individuals in a successful, happy, holy, long, prosperous relationship. But the truth of the matter is, all of the qualities that make up a good connection are dependent upon the individuals and less on the actual practices themselves.

I have had many heartbreaks, breakups and sad, vulnerable moments with men and so have billions of other people in this world from different races, cultures, and religions. As humans we are all subject to pain and hard times, it’s the nature of life, also known as yin and yang. It doesn’t matter how hard we try to avoid heartache, and pain, it is inevitable. I believe that open, honest, dialogue can dispel the majority of difficulties that are associated with romantic relationships and also knowing when to check other’s opinions at the door respectfully.

Advice from family, friends and community leaders can be great, but connecting with yourself and determining what is best for you is always the best scenario. Outside advice can help you see another perspective but it should never overshadow your gut feeling and your ability to make decisions for yourself. The church is not the only place dating and relationships have ended in mishap; Where there are humans there are errors. The good thing about this thing we call life is that every day we are alive and well, we have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, make wiser decisions and evolve into better people. In the Bible in the Book of Proverbs, chapter 22 verse 6 it says: “Train your child up in the way they should go and even when they are old they will not turn away from it.” I think this is a great verse to remind “elder meddlers” that if they did their job correctly with the children, there is no need to interfere with adult’s decision making unless help is requested and even then suggestions and guidance should be given not directives and ultimatums.

If you are looking for a resource to help improve your communication skills in any relationship check out the Love Languages test at 5lovelanguages.com. The Love Languages test is a good free resource I have used myself. The test is intended to help couples learn and gain understanding about the various ways in which people can show love and receive love. It helps disrupt the mindset that there is only one way to go about a relationship and it highlights the individuality and uniqueness of every relationship.  As Always Love and Light!

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