BY: SHEENA BLAKE
What is your ‘relationship’ self like? You know, that self that acts repugnant or self righteous or ignorant or arrogant or needy…well, I’m sure that there are many more words that could describe a person’s ‘relationship’ self!
Today’s article is about the person we become when we enter into a relationship and how we can practice ways of behaving so as not to repeat the same ‘mishaps’ over and over.
My partner and I have been together for over ten years now and to be straight…my ‘relationship’ self definitely contributed to a great number of silly times. I really began to notice this part of me when we were on a ‘break’…for all the big people out there…you now that time when you feel like you can’t make it work, but you don’t want to give up…so you live separately and try to work on it from a distance…
During this time, I realized that I was 50% responsible for our ‘issues’. WHAT?? I couldn’t believe it! How could I have been responsible for any of it? He was the one that was crazy and and and…Well, lessons tend to come hard for me, sometimes. My relationship self was all of the things that I mentioned above…plus clingy, rude and down right mean. She didn’t give my beloved any space to breathe. She just kept wanting and needing more and more and more from him. He was exhausted.
Now, I won’t pretend that his relationship self was faultless; I won’t pretend as though I was completely responsible for our hard times, but what I have learned is that if I take responsibility for my own behaviour, then I can actually work on my life and get better.
On our break, I re-saw how cool and funny and easy going I am. These were parts of me that I hadn’t seen in years. So, why was it, that when I was in a relationship, I was this totally different person?
I don’t think I know entirely why. If I said that I did, well, I’d be lying. What I do know, though, is that my ‘relationship’ self has a lot to do with the little girl inside of me. The one that used to watch romance films like there was nothing else on television. The one who thought that life really was a film and if any partner of mine wanted to be with me, he was going to have to prove it…or else.
My partner and I are now ‘back together’, and although things are certainly not perfect, our ‘relationship’ selves have sure come a long way!
Ok. What are the take homes from today’s article?
- Our relationship selves have minds of their own, and if we don’t mind sharp, they will take over everything that is near and dear to us.
- Our relationship selves can only be controlled when we have fully acknowledged that they exist.
- And, last but not least, our relationship selves cannot be despised; they are only trying to protect us, even if they cause us harm.
You all know that I couldn’t end this without some sort of pseudo spiritual-ness…well…it’s simple (or complicated depending on how you look at it). Our relationship self is the self that is certain that no one will love us. People talk about self care, all the time and it is so true, if we take care of ourselves, learn to love ourselves, have ourselves back, then he/she/it is much less likely to want to be the ‘crazy’ in your relationships. Take a breath…it’s gonna be alright.S