A Better Decade for Simone Jennifer Smith – Reliving my past trauma Part V

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

I stood there emotionless. I looked over at Peter helplessly as they put the cuffs on me. “What am I supposed to do with my luggage?” I inquired. The officer who could speak English said to me, “Are you travelling with someone?” “Yes!” I replied. I had kicked into auto mode, which is what happens to me during times of high stress. My auto mode is a loss of all emotions. Externally, my face was stoic, and my actions were mechanical. Internally, I was chaotic. My chest had tightened up, my heart was pumping abnormally fast, and my mind was doing its best to reason with what was happening to me.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I saw Peter take one of my suitcases. He was standing there looking bewildered. He was a man who took charge, and I could see that he was struggling with the idea that he could not do anything for me in that moment. I remained stoic even though I really wanted to run towards him. I knew he couldn’t help me. I knew that this was going to be something that I would have to figure out for myself.

They had allowed me to keep one of my suitcases, and they began to escort me through the airport. I was unsure of the protocol for an arrestee. Was I supposed to lower my head? Was I supposed to be ashamed? I did what I usually did; I straightened my posture and walked with the ten officers surrounding me through the airport. I could feel people’s eyes on me, questioning, judging. I refused to let anyone see me weakened, so I ignored their stares and lifted my chin even more. That is the thing about me; I refuse to be the way that people expect me to be, even in times of despair.

Peter walked behind me for a bit until I reached an elevator. As I descended, I looked back at Peter. He was looking at me with so much pain in his eyes. For a moment I forgot that I was the person who was being led away to jail. I had no idea when I was going to see him again, but at that point, I had shut down my thoughts as well. “Please call my parents!” It was all that I could get out. I didn’t even know how he was going to do that because my parents were out of town at the time, but I knew that he would figure it out.

Peter and I looked at each other until I could see him no more, and then I was on my own. They sat me down in a room and began going over my documents. I sat there, taking in everything that was around me. I was a little out of sorts because I knew a little bit of Spanish, but not enough to understand what they were saying. While I was sitting there, I began to think about my parents. I knew that when they heard, they would be hysterical, especially my mom. I also reviewed a conversation that I had with my ex-boyfriend a few weeks back. I knew in that moment that his warnings to me had been true.

So, this is the part in the story that I am going to have to start taking the readers back to a time in my life that I am not proud of. It is how I got involved in this whole mess. “Watch the company that you keep,” kept playing in my head. My parents had said this to me when I was a teenager. I think that this was the biggest lesson that I learned from this experience. I also learned that when God wants to slow you down, he will. I also realize that karma has a funny way of showing up in your life when you least expect it.