A better decade for Simone Jennifer Smith: reliving my past traumas – Part II

BY SIMONE J. SMTH

This was the beginning of the end of the life I knew.

I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, I hurt people. But when I say I am sorry, I really mean it.

As I share bits of my story, I have noticed that more people want to learn what had happened to me. What happened in Panama Simone? I have been reluctant to tell my story because of two people. My parents.

When the edition went out mentioning that I would be talking about this, the first person to call me was my mother. “Simone,” she began the conversation, “Do you think that it is wise to be telling your business like this. You know how people are, and you have come so far. We don’t want people to start judging you on your past.”

“Unfortunately mom,” I responded. “People are going to judge me regardless of what I have done in my past, or what I am going to do in the future. This story is no longer mine. This story is for a young lady out there who finds herself in the wrong company. If I can help one young lady advert from making the mistakes I did by telling my story, then I have done my job.”

I don’t think that my mom was satisfied with that answer. I decided to check in with my dad to see what he had to say about it. My dad and I are similar in many ways. His thoughts were a little different, “You are going to have to share your story. It is important to you, and some young person will hear your story and learn from it. You can’t worry about people. Everyone has their faults, yet they will still cast judgment.”

In November, I finished my first novel. It is a psychological thriller that is loosely based off my life. I have not figured out how I am going to publish it, but the story touches on another aspect of my life, my sexuality. I truly believe that promiscuity is misunderstood. The uneducated mind see’s promiscuity as a person who just enjoys having sex. Unbeknown to them, there is usually some unknown sexual experience that has triggered promiscuity. I happen to fall in that category.

I mention that here because to truly understand my thoughts, the way I act, and how I have come to be the force that I am, you have to understand my past. My sexual trauma, my need to be accepted, my distorted view of male and female relationships, all of this has to do with how I ended up in prison.

I truly believe that the only thing that has saved me from a completely disastrous life is the fact that I had two supportive parents who have always been there for me. They have accepted me for all that makes me a great individual, and the parts of me that make me less socially acceptable. My father has given me the strength to walk away from relationships that did not serve me. He always reminds me that I don’t have to settle for less. I can always come home. This can be looked at as a bad thing or a good thing. My knowledge of being able to always go home has allowed me to escape messy relationship situations instead of taking the time to see my role in them.

My mother’s love has been my bedrock. She has cried with me, scolded me, loved me, and let me know firmly when she does not agree with my actions. At the end of the day, I know for sure that I can turn to her for guidance. She is biased because she is my mother, but she remains honest, and if she thinks I am wrong, she will tell me with no discretion.

This article is an introduction to what I believe will bring a clearer perspective on what makes me who I am. I hope you are ready for the ride. It is going to be an entertaining one.