Brandon Hay – Changing the image of the black father

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

“The question I was asking myself was what could we do about this? What is the solution? What can we do? So, in 2007, I created the Black Daddies Club, a movement built on love.”

I don’t know if it was the title of some of his panel discussions that caught me, but upon doing some more research, I knew who I wanted my year-end Classic Man to be.

He has facilitated controversial, yet popular discussion series including: “Queer as Black Folk,” and “Monogamy isn’t relevant.” He has also taken on the task of helping black fathers care about fatherhood. In doing so, he feels it will help them stay focused on higher goals, like keeping their kids from repeating the cycle.

He has developed a continuous support system for black men and fathers to share their challenges and/or experiences, all the while working with the community at large to address issues that African families face living in the northern diaspora. He works with the media to provide more positive images of black fathers, and 2020 is a powerful year for him.

The Black Daddies Club is celebrating its 14^th year anniversary, with the start-up of another dynamic series, Sunday Dinners, a monthly virtual conversation with black men from around North America, and other continents. During these virtual sessions, men have a chance to speak to blackness, masculinity, as well as to where they are currently emotionally and mentally.

I would like to present to the community, our final Classic Man of the year and the founder of The Black Daddies Club, the dynamic daddy, Brandon Hay!

“My father, and myself had a traditional or what I see more I thought was traditional relationship, which was, it wasn’t consistent.”

Within minutes of speaking with Brandon, I knew that I was speaking to a man who had felt pain. He recalls his youth in fine detail, and for the hour that I was speaking with him, I learned just why he is so passionate about being a father.

“I was one of seven children,” Brandon began. “I saw my dad, but it wasn’t consistent. He tried the best that he could. There were times he was supposed to pick me up and it wouldn’t happen. I came to Canada when I was ten-years-old, and went back when I was sixteen-years-old. I spent a lot of time angry with my dad, and I internalized it. Believe me when I say that it was hurting me more than I knew.

I was around 23/24 when I found out the woman I was dating was pregnant. We had only been together six months, but I knew I didn’t want them to have the same experience. I was raised by a single mother, and without the presence of a consistent father figure, I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father.”

One thing that Brandon told me he noticed was how people assumed he would walk away from raising his own kids. Then he noticed that other black fathers in his community had low expectations of themselves, too. He was determined to do better. His second son was on the way, when he found out his dad had been murdered by an eleven-year-old, who in turn was killed by the people who hired him.

“He was shot nine times. When I saw his body for the first time after the murder, I bawled. It was the first time I had cried so hard in my life. My brother and I went to the police station, and they said that the case was normal. For $200.00 my dad was murdered, and that was normal. I realized then that there was a normalization of crisis situations. I knew I had to handle these emotions. I didn’t want my dad’s death to be in vain.”

The only thing was how was he going to do it? Now the father of three sons, he would have to learn how to be a father on the fly. “I didn’t have practice on how to be a dad. I grew up watching Cosbys, which was not my reality. How was I supposed to be a better father?” This thought was the birthplace of The Black Daddies Club.

“I want to talk about the redefinition of fatherhood. Whether it’s Wayne Gretzky, Tiger Woods, Serena and Venus Williams, they’ve all said that they’ve had or their fathers were instrumental in their success.”

When the idea first came to him for The Black Daddies Club, he was unsure of the name. He didn’t want to seem discriminatory. Brandon shared with me the story about when the name became affirmed for him.

“I went to check my cousin in prison for the first time with my mom. After visiting him, I realized I had to call it Black Daddies Club. I wanted an inclusive space to say to me what mattered. I decided to take some marketing courses, and this is when I learned about small fire events. I did my first small event in: Malvern, Kensington Market, Brampton and North York.

I was disappointed by the turn out. There were only 40% men and 60% women. The target market I was focused on hitting was not coming out, so I had to change my course of action.”

This is when he decided to take the conversation to the audience. He started to have discussions that were male focused in barbershops across the city. It worked well because the barbers acted like co-facilitators. Men felt comfortable speaking in a space that allowed them to be free, and unhinged. These small discussions turned into outings. As a group, Brandon noticed how powerful it was. The image of 10-12 fathers walking into a space with their children does provide some persuasive imagery.

“It is important to create spaces for honest dialogue.”

Brandon has defied many of the odds that society has set up for him. He completed his Masters in Environmental Studies (2015), visited Costa Rica where he learned how to centre himself and get in touch with nature, and has created a movement that has revitalized the idea of fatherhood in the African community.

“The one thing I can honestly say is that when these black fathers come to our programs, they discover one thing right off the bat. They’re not alone. That is key.”

Brandon’s larger goal is to have a Black Daddies Club throughout the diaspora. He believes that we become better fathers by being present and seeing fathering in action. Black fathers need support, and what better person to provide it to them than Mr Brandon Hay.

“Our goal is not just to create programs, it’s to create change, is to create policy change, is to create a movement built on love.”