Reliving my past trauma; Prison to Page Lines on CBC Gem, my story on the big screen

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

As I sat there watching it, tears came to my eyes. Here was a painful part of my life, on display for the nation to see. All I could do was weep…

Every now and then I take a break from my story to come up for air. I have to admit that it has been difficult for me to write about my experience in Panama. I hold shame in that experience; shame and guilt. I had put my parents through some pain, and I know that there is no way that I can repay them in this lifetime for what I did put them through.

I have tried to forget that time in my life because it was a lonely experience. I think that the reason that I cry now is because during that time, my focus was not on myself. I operate on an internal locus of control, which means that when things happen in my life, I don’t blame external factors, I hold responsibility. Now this can be a great way to operate because it keeps you away from that victim mentality, but you can also end up doing yourself harm with over critical thoughts, and self-degradation.

I spent a lot of my time after the experience beating myself up for getting into such a stupid situation. I was always worried about how people may look at my parents because usually when children get into trouble, they look at the parents with a critical eye; what didn’t they do? Where did they go wrong?

Last year I was approached by my beautifully talented mentee Selina McCallum. She told me that she had applied to be a part of The Fabienne Colas Foundation’s Being Black in Canada, Canada’s largest mentorship, training, and creation program to be entirely dedicated to Black filmmakers. The Being Black in Canada program was created to make up for the blatant lack of diversity and the lack of Black people in front and behind the camera in Canada. Founded in 2012, with the first cohort launched in 2014, the program has given a voice and a platform to creators who would not otherwise be seen or heard. They actively promote equal opportunities for Black film professionals while fostering diversity on Canadian television screens that unfortunately showcase content that is too White for a truly diverse society.

She was selected and told me that she wanted to tell my story. I was hesitant at first because once again, I knew that my mom wanted to keep the story buried, and now here I was about to showcase it to the world. What I have learned about this process is that when you have a story, it is selfish to think that it is yours and yours alone. Yes, you lived through it, the pain, the mental health tragedies, the emotions, but you always have to think about why you went through what you did.

I always go by the motto that God will never give you more than you can bear, and after my experiences, there is really no explanation for why I am still here, functioning in the capacity that I do. It has to be spiritual, a gift of strength that was given to me so that I could share with the world. Part of sharing that strength is sharing my story.

On September 11^th, 2021, I got up and sent the link to all of my contacts. I knew that there would be people that judged me, but I didn’t care. I stay focused on the people that I would be helping with my story. As I sat there and watched it, I had tears in my eyes. My story on screen was even more powerful than I had imagined. Selina had found a way to share my story, delicately, and empathically. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I want to thank Selina for giving me a voice, and allowing me to share my strength with the world.