Community News
Six ways that you are probably being passive aggressive in your interactions, and you don’t even know it!
BY SIMONE J. SMITH
“Mmm-hmm, so now yuh come home, after gallivanting all day, like yuh nuh have responsibilities inna dis house. It’s alright, though. Mi just here, slaving away, while yuh out there living your best life.”
“Oh, yuh want dinner? Sure, mi can rustle up someting fi yuh. After all, cooking for one more person won’t be too much trouble, right? Even though I’ve been working hard all day.”
“No, no, no worries. Mi understand. Yuh have important tings fi do, while mi just sit here and do all the work. It’s fine. Everything’s just fine.”
“Must be nice, though, to come home to a hot meal after frolicking around town. But hey, who am I to complain? Mi just here, doing what I always do. Dinner is served. Enjoy it while it’s hot. Lord knows I put enough effort into it.”
In the tapestry of the Toronto Caribbean community nestled within Canada, there exists a nuanced challenge that often eludes the casual observer: a communication issue that subtly permeates our interactions. Despite the warmth and conviviality that characterize our cultural exchanges, beneath the surface lies a tendency towards passive aggression in our discussions with partners.
This phenomenon, though seldom acknowledged outright, casts a shadow over our collaborative efforts and hinders genuine understanding. Whether rooted in cultural nuances, historical contexts, or individual dispositions, this communication barrier poses a significant obstacle to fostering healthy dialogue and meaningful connections within our community and beyond.
Being passive-aggressive often entails a desire to avoid face-to-face conflict, not being truly honest about what someone is thinking, or making subtle comments that appear harmless yet have an underlying negative impact on the receiver.
Passive-aggressive behavior occurs frequently in everyday interactions with our: friends, romantic partners, family members and co-workers, but because it can be insidious, you may not always recognize when it’s happening to you, or when you’re guilty of doing it yourself.
Though we all engage in passive-aggressive behavior now and then, this type of communication tends to be more habitual among people who are avoidant and conflict-averse, as well as those lacking self-esteem. Without realizing it, you might communicate this way because you find it too difficult, or uncomfortable to directly express yourself,
Passive-aggressive behavior can show up in many forms, from giving the silent treatment, to pouting, to procrastinating on a task you agreed to do. In this article, we are going to focus on the verbal manifestations. Relationship experts helped to identify some of the most common passive-aggressive phrases. Here’s what to watch out for, and what to say instead.
“Good fi you!.”
When I hear this statement, I think of not listening to my mom when she told me to stop ramping, and then I end up hurting myself. While this statement can be used to express sincere happiness for another person’s success, it’s often used passive aggressively.
It’s possible to feel both happy for one person and upset about your own misfortune, especially when something great has happened in someone’s life, and yours is not going so well. So, try sincerely congratulating the other person, and say, “I am really happy for you!” Get out of your feelings; it is not always about you.
“Mi sarry yuh feel suh.”
This may initially sound like a genuine apology because the words “I’m sorry” are being used, but when you add in the words “Yuh feel suh,” it becomes a passive-aggressive way of putting the blame on the other person’s feelings, rather than taking responsibility for the hurt you’ve caused. While intention may not have been to cause any harm, the impact of those words did cause harm.
“It’s fine.”
Another common passive-aggressive move: claiming “everything’s fine” when you’re actually upset about something. This is something that is done more commonly than we think. What some of us are hoping for is that someone takes action to address the fact that you’re not actually fine, but you refuse to ask for the support or attention. The more effective way of expressing yourself is to — surprise, surprise — tell the other person how you’re actually feeling.
“Whatever!”
This is a comment that usually comes up after you’ve tried to explain your viewpoint a few times, and the other person is just not listening. You resign yourself to not being understood and say “Whatever!” Addressing the root of the problem could take a little more work, which might look like [saying], ‘Hey, it seems like we’re not really hearing each other. ‘Whatever’ is giving up too soon, and then resenting the other person for it.
“If yuh seh so.”
Let’s be real; this statement is dismissive and implies that the person’s opinion, or perspective cannot be trusted. What you are doing is communicating that you don’t wish to continue the conversation, and even if that person does continue, you don’t really have any interest, or investment in what is being said.
Instead try, “Thank you for sharing your perspective with me. I understand why you would say that. Would you be open to me sharing my perspective as well?”
“Yu jus’ too touchy (sensitive).”
Telling someone they’re “too touchy” discounts the other person’s hurt feelings, and subtly shifts the blame on them for having an emotional reaction to something you did, Howes explained.
Something like, “I can see that I hurt you, and I’m very sorry for that. I’d like to understand how I hurt you, so I don’t do that again. Can you tell me what upset you,” is a better way of acknowledging how someone feels.
Being straightforward can be scary, because you are now showing that you are vulnerable, but it’s more likely to lead to meaningful, if uncomfortable, conversations. At the end of the day, this is a matter of how authentically you’d like to show up in your life, and the type of relationship you want to have with people around you.
Addressing this issue demands a nuanced approach, one that acknowledges the complexities of cultural dynamics while striving for open, honest communication that transcends passive aggression.
REFERENCES:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stop-being-passive-aggressive-behavior-signs_n_5515877
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-passive-aggressive-behavior-2795481