Stay tuned for the next segment of, “Revisiting my Recovery!” A decade of pain completed!

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

I am not big on resolutions. I think that if you are going to do something, you just have to do it. If not, you will always find an excuse as to why you didn’t do it. What I did do this end of year, and start of 2023 is take in the fact that it has been over 10 years since my incarceration experience, and I am reflective on how far I have come, what I have learned, and what I am going to do with the wisdom that I have accrued.

In many ways I will say that I am disappointed in certain aspects of my life. Yes, I am all right with admitting that. Like many other driven, passionate individuals, I feel like I could have done more, not procrastinated as much as I had, talked to one more person, given certain things less energy…

I am okay with it.

Now that I have gotten over the 10-year hump, I think about what I am going to do with the next decade of my life. At the age of 43, there are certain things that I have been unable to accomplish in my personal life that need tending to. From 2012 – 2017, I was in survival mode. I had always had challenges with intimate relationships, and adding other life stressors had intensified the difficulties. I was vibrating at such a low level; bringing people into my life that had no business being there.

Part of that 10-year experience was facing the fact that I had unresolved trauma, childhood memories that haunted my everyday experience making life more taxing than it needed to be. My trauma triggered their trauma, and I ended up in trauma bond relationships instead of healthy ones.

All of this in 10 years; it left me thinking, how many of us are actually taking stock of our lives, really looking at not just where we are career wise, but where we are spiritually, socially, psychologically, and emotionally. It is not something that can be done alone; I would suggest that you definitely seek some professional help (social worker, therapist, counsellor). This is not an easy task to take on. It means digging deep, and looking inward in a way that you have never done before.

I have been sharing my story with the community for the last few years. It has been triggering at times, because my mom gets every paper, and won’t read anything else but my story. I can always tell when she has read something that disturbs her, or if she has been triggered by the way she responds to me. She has shared that at times; it is hard for her to read what happened because it didn’t just happen to me, it happened to the entire family.

What she does respect is my ability to be candid, to speak my truth knowing that I am doing it for a purpose. When I see how younger women in our community are acting, it keeps me focused and out of my head. There is a bigger picture, something beyond my ego, and the fears I have about ridicule and damnation from people in the community who read it.

What I do is for our young women. I expose my skeletons, dragging them out of the closet kicking and screaming. I want them uncovered; I want them brought to light. Our women have to know that there are consequences for all of our actions, and some of the consequences you cannot come back from.

As I go into the New Year, I want to thank everyone who has supported me on my journey. My story will be wrapping up this year, and it has been a cathartic experience. Stay tuned for the next segment of, “Revisiting my Recovery!”

Happy New Year Everyone!