The art of confrontation; facing the fear

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

Anyone who knows me knows that I have no issue when it comes to confronting someone about an issue. Now, what I have realized is that not everyone is able to do this, and because of this, relationships become strained, resentment can build, and chaos can ensue. The last month or so, I have been dealing with confrontation, not just in my own personal life, but also in the life of those around me. I have seen the devastating effects of not confronting someone, and the pain and disruption that it can cause in relationships, so today, I am going to do a confrontation class; I am going to help the reader understand confrontation, and learn how to do it effectively.

The first thing we have to do is squelch this idea that confrontation is a negative thing. Yes, the prefix “Con” is deemed as a negative prefix, but the act itself can be very fulfilling if done correctly. First let’s see why this act of confrontation has been viewed so negatively. Ryan Howes PhD (Psychology Today) did an article on confrontation and looked at the reasons why people avoid confrontation. He looked at it in the context of fear; there is a motivation theory that states we as humans seek pleasure and avoid pain by all means necessary. This might be why we avoid confrontation; it is the fear that comes with it. Let us take a quick look at some of these fears:

Fear of loss

According to this theory, we are afraid that the confrontation will result in the other person leaving you because you have decided to speak with them about a specific matter. (Example; wife avoids telling her husband that when he yells at her, it hurts her feelings.)

Fear of causing pain

Some people believe that the other person is too fragile to handle the conversation, so they avoid having it all together in order to protect that person.

(Example; you have a friend who is making horrible decisions that continues to cause them pain, and you are afraid telling them will let them feel you don’t care.)

Fear of strain

This is a popular one; no one wants to feel uncomfortable, and confrontation can cause people to feel uncomfortable.

(Example; employee is not doing what they are supposed to do, so you may act passive aggressive instead of just coming out and saying what is wrong.)

Fear of failure

“They are probably not going to understand,” is a popular statement attached to this fear. Instead of confronting, you psyche yourself out, and let things continue to fester. (Example; you have an idea at work, and you know it is a much better idea than what was just presented, but you don’t bother saying anything because you think, “Why bother! They are not going to listen to me anyways.”)

So, how do you confront someone effectively? I have presented some ideas below for you to take in:

Relax, relate, release

Ensure that you’re clear of your emotions before you go in. You don’t want to start your discussion with any sitting feelings.

Who are you confronting?

You have to take into consideration the person you are talking to and learn how to match their conversation style.

Set up a meeting that works for both of you

Don’t just spring a conversation on someone, respect his or her peace and arrange a meeting.

Use words like, “I feel,” and “I understand.”

Avoid using words like “You,” it makes people defensive.

Don’t take everything in the conversation personally, and don’t wait too long to discuss an issue. Finally, come into the conversation with solutions to whatever it is you are confronting; don’t take this time to just vent because you will leave there with more unpleasant feelings then you had before.

I really hope this has been helpful, and please feel free to reach out to me if you need any help with this topic. All right, now go and CONFRONT SOMEONE!