Waiting for the next shoe to drop! Reliving my past trauma

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

“It’s not like I had any control before, but I sure liked to think so.”

I must have fallen asleep sitting up because the next thing I heard was the heavy gate opening, and the light flicked on.

I slowly opened my eyes, and waited for them to adjust to the light. I swear, God must have heard my prayers because in walked my angel. As he stepped in with our breakfast trays, he smiled at me and placed them on the ground. He said good morning to all of us, and said something else in Spanish to the girls. I vaguely made out the word coffee, and I knew that he was coming back with a special treat.

When he turned around to leave, the girls began to giggle to themselves and looked over at me. Something about their laughter told me that they were not laughing at me, but they were sharing a semi-private joke that I could not understand because I was unable to make out their words.

The older girl finally addressed me, “He like you. Is good!”

“What!” I said with a sheepish grin on my face. “He likes me?”

“Si! Is good!” She reached past me and grabbed her plate.

The gate opened again, and my angel came back with a small pot. I could smell the coffee as he came into the cell. “Gracias!” I said with the warmest smile I could muster. He smiled and replied, “Your welcome!”

I was surprised. My angel could speak English. I quickly looked at his nametag so that I could learn the name of the man who my ancestors had sent to keep an eye on me. The tag said Rodriguez. I also happened to notice that he had the greenest eyes I had ever seen. They almost looked teal. I had to admit that even though I was in a pretty shitty situation, this man mesmerized me. Now that I look back at it, I realize that this man was sent to give me some hope. Even during the worst of times, God has a way of showing you that he is still there.

Officer Rodriguez exited, and as usual, left the heavy gate open so that the girls and myself could watch the television. The room didn’t seem as small when the gate was open.

The rest of the day I spent re-braiding my hair, and enjoying the Latin Soaps that were playing. I have never been a Soap watcher, but anything besides staring at the walls was better. I have no idea how much time had gone by, but the gate pulled back and Officer Rodriguez came in and greeted us warmly. He placed our food down, and picked up the trays from the morning. I was really beginning to enjoy his visits, even though he was just doing his job.

I finished off what was left of my hair and decided that it was time to take a little nap. The girls had busied themselves with a game of cards, and were laughing and chatting with each other. I figured I would take a shower, and begin to wind down. After my shower, I came out to one of the girls packing up her stuff. The gate and steel door was open, and there were more guards than usual.

“What is going on?” I said to the older girl. “She go prison now!”

Prison!

The word shot threw me like a bullet. All of a sudden it became difficult to breathe. Up until then, I had not thought of what would be next for me. The idea of being transported to a prison made my knees weak. It is not like I could do anything about it, but I had just begun to become accustomed to my current situation. One thing that had become part of my reality was that things could change in a moment, and I had no control over it. Not like I had any control before, but I sure liked to think so.

The officers escorted the young lady out and closed the gate. I am guessing that Officer Rodriguez’s shift was over because the heavy gate remained closed for the evening. I remember staring at it thinking that the next time it opened, it could be me that they were escorting out.