8 ways to give feedback that grows people, not egos

Picture the last time you swallowed the truth; your teammate’s report was late, off-topic, and riddled with typos, then smiled and said, “Looks great!” Your stomach twisted, your voice went three notes too high, and you left the room wondering if anyone noticed you just lied.

They did.

Tomorrow, they will bring you another sloppy draft, because you taught them that “nice” beats useful.

Ready to break the loop?

Step 1: Notice the tremble behind the smile

Before you speak, scan your own body. Are your shoulders high? Is your laugh a half-step too quick? That micro-tension is data. It tells you that you are about to protect yourself instead of serving the work. Name it under your breath. “I’m nervous,” and watch the adrenaline plateau. This three-second pause prevents you from sprinkling sugar on a wound that needs iodine.

Step 2: Translate “great job” into a camera angle

Imagine you’re holding a photographer’s lens. “Great job” is a blurry wide shot. Zoom in: Which slide clarified the budget? Which question rerouted the meeting? Speak to the pixel, not the panorama. Example: “When you replaced the jargon with that 12-word metaphor, the finance team leaned in.” The brain craves granularity; specifics release dopamine that tags the behaviour for repetition.

Step 3: Offer a keep/improve ratio

After any presentation, privately share two elements to keep and one to refine. This ratio feels safe because it signals you are investing, not judging. Write them on a sticky note and hand it over; the tactile transfer turns feedback into a gift.

Step 4: Start with the stapler, not the soul

Practice on low-stakes objects: font size, agenda timing, coffee-stain slides. These neutral arenas build the muscle memory required for tougher terrain. Once colleagues taste the usefulness of your stapler feedback, they will invite you into blueprint conversations without flinching.

Step 5: Use the “shadow test” to check motive

Ask yourself, “If this person outshone me tomorrow, would I still give this note?” If the answer is no, you’re managing your own market share, not their growth. Sit with the discomfort until you can answer yes. The delay is ethical calibration.

Step 6: Close the curiosity loop together

End every feedback exchange with an open question, “What part of this feels useful, and what feels off?” The question hands them the steering wheel, turning monologue into co-design. When they edit your edit, trust compounds; you shift from critic to collaborator.

Step 7: Model the receipt of hard news

Next time you present, invite one “cold eye” reviewer to dismantle your deck in front of the team. Thank them aloud, then implement at least one suggestion visibly. Public vulnerability is contagious; it rewrites the unspoken contract from “be perfect” to “get better.”

Step 8: Track the ripple, not the splash

Keep a private log: date, behaviour noted, change observed. Over quarters you will see quieter meetings, faster drafts, promotions that list your name as a catalyst. These micro-wins are the variable rewards that keep the new culture alive long after the initial adrenaline fades.

Remember: anxious niceness is a tax every team pays in overtime and resentment. Precision is the rebate. Pay it forward, and the ledger rebalances in trust.