How am I supposed to talk about this? The Caribbean household code of silence

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

This editions article is a sensitive one for me; I have been living with trauma for many years, and it is only now that I am willing to talk about it. In the last few months, I have been vocal about the sexual assault that I went through when I was younger. I was always afraid to openly talk about it because I was afraid about how it would affect my loved ones, especially my parents.

Last week, Thursday, I received a tearful phone call from my mom. She had gone on Facebook, and saw the interview that I did with Elaine Robinson on her program G.H.E.T.T.O, and she was devastated by what she had heard. My mom’s first question was, “Why didn’t you tell us? Why did we have to hear about this on Facebook after all these years?” I could tell she was deeply disturbed by what she had heard; I felt bad because she had asked a legitimate question. Why had I not shared this information with my parents after all these years?

Depending on who you speak with, there are a multitude of reasons as to why people are reluctant to speak about their past hardships. Two reasons that hold for me are shame and recrimination; I was always ashamed of what I had gone through, and when I was younger, I was terrified that my parents wouldn’t believe me. I was even more worried about my family being upset because I had shared something so private with others. Within the Caribbean community there is this unspoken code of silence; whatever goes on inside the home, stays in the home. The only problem with this code of silence is that the person who has been traumatized has to live with their suffering, and many times they will not get the help they need to live functional lives.

For many years I downplayed the impact of what had happened to me, which I now realize is normal. I have had this bad habit of comparing myself to others thinking, “Oh, they have had it worse than me, who am I to complain?” Does this sound familiar to you? I want readers to understand that your trauma is still trauma; how you are, or were impacted is still very important. You have to focus on how the situation impacted you, how it impacted your life, and how it still remains with you. What I realized last week is that I have wanted to tell my parents, but I was afraid to hurt them. When I heard my mom’s tearful voice on the phone, I was distraught; this was exactly why I had not told her, but I must have known they were going to see it on Facebook right?

I think that subconsciously I did want my parents to know; I truly believe that it would explain a lot of the behaviour that they had to experience with me during my teenage years. Of course, my mom took it personally and began to question her parenting and whether she had done a good enough job. When she went into this mode, I felt like yelling and screaming, “THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO TELL YOU!” I couldn’t though; I had to allow her to feel how she felt and work her way through her own emotions.

I will say this, now that it is out, I feel so much better; I can see why “coming out,” can be such a liberating experience for an individual who has been fighting with their sexuality. There is much for my parents and I to talk about, but now we are actually talking. I hope this helps someone who has been struggling with his or her story; it is hard, but know you are not alone.

Respectfully, Simone Jennifer Smith