How do you deal with a child who is resisting going to school? A look at school refusal

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

You are pacing back and forth in the living room. The clock on the wall shows 8:15 AM. In the background, the faint sound of a school bus driving away can be heard. You exhale deeply, clearly frustrated yet concerned.

“Come on, Jason… We’re late again.”

Jason, 10, stands at the top of the stairs, clutching his backpack. His face is a mixture of fear and defiance.

“I’m not going. I hate it there.”

You turn towards him, trying to stay calm. “Jason, you need to go to school. We’ve talked about this. Missing school won’t make things better….”

What some parents might be dealing with, and they have no idea they are dealing with is something that psychologists have termed school refusal. School refusal occurs when a student experiences distress about going to school. It is a type of situational anxiety that appears in children between the ages of 5 and 17. Situational anxiety is a psychological response that occurs in stressful, or unfamiliar settings. The issue is considered a symptom associated with other mental health disorders, including:

• Social anxiety disorder
• Generalized anxiety
• Depression
• Post-traumatic stress disorder

According to the American Family Physician, school refusal occurs in approximately 5% of all school-age children. Children affected by this issue may end up chronically absent from school and fall behind on assignments and tests. This issue can occur at any age, but children in certain age groups are more likely to resist going to school. As you can imagine, children aged five to six starting school for the first time have higher rates of school reluctance.

Pre-teens often tend to have a higher susceptibility to school avoidance as well. School refusal in this age group is often due to concerns about fitting in. Students in this age group may find interests away from school (such as video games or hanging out with friends) more appealing than the pressures of school.

School refusal occurs equally among boys and girls. However, sexuality can affect school avoidance and chronic absenteeism. A study published in the Journal of School Psychology found that students who identify as LGBTQ+ reported more unexcused absences than their heterosexual classmates.

School refusal can lead to multiple absences during the academic year. There have been severe cases where students miss weeks, or months due to their fears. Often, when a child misses school for an extended period, they’ll feel more reluctant to return.

Although each child is different, some of the most common causes of school refusal include the following:

• Children may feel stressed by certain situations while in a school setting. They may report feeling bad at school and can’t clearly identify what’s bothering them.
• Some children experience intense separation anxiety. The strength of their feelings can make it hard to leave home every morning and attend school.
• Any external stress could affect whether a child wants to go to school, or not. For instance, children can experience stress when starting at a new school after a family move.
• Kids may fear that something negative may happen to them on school grounds. Fear can stem from a previous incident, such as bullying, or threats made by peers.
• Due to such trauma, children may have a negative association with the environment and wish to avoid going.
• A child may avoid school to seek attention from caregivers or loved ones. This behavior can be a way for the child to communicate feelings of insecurity, loneliness, or a desire for more nurturing interactions from trusted adults in their life.

Parents, although you may assume a child’s unwillingness to attend school is a phase, don’t ignore the problem. Early intervention will help prevent school avoidance from getting more serious. Listen to your child and encourage them to talk about their specific concerns about attending school. Do they complain about a particular teacher? Did they recently lose a friend? Attempt to identify any triggers that could cause them to feel anxious during the school day. Remember to share this information with your child’s doctors.

Here is how a dialogue with your little one could go, “Sweetheart, I know it’s hard. School can be tough, especially when you feel like you don’t fit in. But avoiding it won’t solve the problem.”

Jason remains silent, his eyes welling up with tears.

“Do you want to talk about what’s been going on? Maybe we can figure it out together. I’m here for you, always.

“I just… I feel so different from everyone. It’s like I don’t belong.”

“You do belong, Jason. I promise. Sometimes, it just takes a little time to find the right people who see how special you are, but you won’t find them if you stay home.”

“How about this? We’ll go together today, and if things get too tough, you call me, and I’ll be there. We can also talk to your teacher and see if there’s anything we can do to make things better, but let’s not give up, okay?”

As a parent, you would be surprised how far some comforting words can go.