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Why is it so hard to forgive?

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BY TARA MUSHRAL

As we roll into the end of the year many are happy to see 2020 go.  It has been a difficult year globally for us, the pandemic, fight for racial equity, struggle to keep small businesses alive are just a few of the events that have us sprinting towards something new.

Before I run into 2021, I wanted to ensure I was surrendering what no longer severed me.  I am leaving the need to be right and any resentments of the past here and stepping free of those restraints. The past can make us try to balance the score or get in a state of always being right or justified.

I recently decided that the best way to move forward was to actually forgive and forget.  To truly release the wrongdoings of others. This means the lessons have been received by my soul, but I am letting go and forgetting the pain or feelings of resentment that come along with it.

Forgiveness is such a powerful tool.

I really learned this with my son’s father. We had a relationship on and off for over 20 years. There were countless infidelities and lots of forgiving. Our last stand was toxic, and I was very angry when I witnessed these behaviors with my own eyes.

That night replayed in my mind for a few years, as did the pictures and events with the other woman that came up that I couldn’t unsee. I was left feeling less than desirable, unattractive and ultimately like I was lacking something. To the outside world I showed up confident and secure but inside I had a heavy burden of unworthiness to bare. These feelings made me question myself as a woman.

Time passed and slowly the pain eroded, however when I reflected, I was always keeping score and his actions weighed on my mind. Even during the 20 years of on and off, there was never real forgiveness. The weight of the resentment kept me from shining my light. My love for the world couldn’t fully emanate as the darkness and remnants of the deceit still lingered.

Last year I found out my ex had cancer and I finally could offer forgiveness. My son and I stood by his side through cancer and I am happy to say that he is on the other side of it and healing now.

I learned how to forgive from a place of pure love. That love started with love for myself.  As I learned to love myself more, I could extend love out to others, with no strings attached.  I could extend boundaries that made me feel safe and know in my heart that I deserved them. There were no thoughts of getting even or getting over it. There were just thoughts of love and healing that I wanted for him.

They say that forgiveness is for yourself and I do believe that. I have learned so many lessons through these experiences but freeing my soul of the anger and feelings of unworthiness that arose after the betrayals were the most powerful for me. The animosity and hurt weighs us down and affects how we show up in this world.

The day I offered forgiveness to my ex I freed myself and I can honestly say all I want for him is the best now. I have learned it wasn’t about me, it wasn’t that I was unworthy, it wasn’t that I was too masculine or that the other women were better.

Real forgiveness releases us from the negative impact of an action. Caring around resentment or need to get even only burdens our heart. Impacts our trust and always has a heavyweight to bare. When we forgive, we release it all and we free ourselves.  So, as we release 2020 what can you forgive and shed to be lighter and brighter in 2021?

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Personal Development

How to develop big-picture thinking

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Photo by Fernanda Latronico

BY DANIEL COLE

Big picture thinking is the ability to look at a situation in its entirety with a well-refined perspective.

Big picture thinkers are not worried or overly concerned about temporal setbacks or challenges because they usually have a long-time frame of reference when making decisions or embarking on a project.

Big picture thinkers and detail-oriented thinkers are both needed and necessary in an organization; while the former focus on the big picture, the latter focuses on details. Striking a balance between the two is pivotal for success. Big picture thinkers are mostly optimists by nature. However, they are sometimes blinded to their own optimism bias. It is important to take into account the current reality and situation of things as you look at the bigger picture.

So, what are some effective strategies for becoming a big-picture thinker?

Use the mind mapping technique: Mind mapping is a technique for visually organizing information and ideas in a hierarchical and interconnected way. To use mind mapping for developing big-picture thinking, you can:

  • Start with a central idea or topic in the centre of a page and draw branches for subtopics, supporting ideas, and details.
  • Use images, symbols, and colours to make connections and distinguish between different types of information.
  • Continuously review and expand your mind map as you gather more information and insights, connecting new ideas to existing ones and identifying patterns and relationships.
  • Think critically and creatively, asking questions, making connections and considering multiple perspectives to help you see the big picture and understand the complexities of a situation.
  • By using mind mapping to develop big-picture thinking, you can synthesize information, generate new ideas, and gain a more holistic and nuanced understanding of a topic.

Take a step back: “You can’t see the full picture when you are in the frame”, says the Motivational Guru Les Brown. But what does this mean? It means that it’s difficult to have an objective or complete perspective on a situation when you are directly involved in it. This can be because you are too close to the situation or too invested in the outcome. It’s often helpful to step back and look at things from a different angle to gain a more comprehensive understanding. In other words, it’s easier to see the whole picture when you are not directly in the picture yourself. When faced with a complex problem, it can be helpful to take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective. This can help you see the broader context and understand how different elements are connected. Try to think about the problem in the context of your organization, industry, or society as a whole.

Surround yourself with big thinkers and positive influence: How you see life, approach problems, how big or small you think, and your frame of reference, is influenced by the people you do life with and the association your keep. Ask people to give you their unbiased perspectives or opinions on what you are trying to do. Use people as a sounding board to help you shape your perspective. Remember, “you can’t see the picture when you are in the frame.”

In conclusion, Success expert Brian Tracy rightly said, “Things are important to the extent that they have important consequences. Things are unimportant to the extent that they have no important consequences.” 

When faced with a choice, ask yourself, what would be the consequences of each option?

It is human nature to make rushed, emotional decisions based on incomplete information, and then regret those decisions later on. You can protect yourself from poor judgment by striving to attain the big picture when careful consideration is called for. Focus on the consequences of your decision before considering how you feel about it. Play with the cards you’ve been dealt, but look for opportunities in each situation and you will find them.

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Personal Development

Five proven techniques for problem-solving

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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

BY DANIEL COLE

Problems are inevitable; in life and business. All organizations exist because there is a problem to solve. People are employed because they have problem-solving skills. Running away from problems is not the right mental approach; all successful people are problem solvers. However, Albert Einstein has rightly said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.” There are many techniques and proven principles or approaches to problem-solving. A few of them include:

The 5 why technique: To get clarity about the nature of the problem you want to solve and proffer an efficient solution, apply the five whys technique. Making an informed decision is based on an insightful understanding of the problem and careful exploration of the root cause. The 5 Why technique is one of the most effective tools for root cause analysis in Lean management. This technique is simply applied by asking “Why” five times to get to the root of the problem. An example would be assuming the problem you are trying to solve is obesity, ask the first “why”, “Why are you obese?” Assuming the answer is because you eat unhealthy food and you don’t take time to exercise. The second why will be, why do you eat unhealthy, and why don’t you take time to exercise? Whatever your answer is, ask the third why, by the time you get to the fifth why you must have had a clearer understanding of the root cause of the problem.

The Eisenhower matrix: This technique helps prioritize tasks by dividing them into 4 categories: urgent and important, not urgent but important, urgent but not important, and not urgent or important. It helps to identify which tasks are important, and which are not, and it helps to focus on the important ones. This matrix is very effective when having challenges with choosing priorities, and it’s also a good time management technique.

SWOT analysis: This technique involves analyzing the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats that are associated with a problem. The SWOT analysis helps identify the internal and external factors that are important to achieving a goal or addressing a problem. By understanding these factors, it becomes easier to develop an effective solution. Once the SWOT analysis is completed, the information can be used to develop a strategy to address the problem or achieve the goal.

The design thinking method: This technique is a human-centered approach to problem-solving that emphasizes empathy, creativity and experimentation. It involves understanding the needs of the end-users, prototyping solutions and testing them with real users to see what works and what doesn’t in order to arrive at the best solution.

The six-sigma method: This method is a data-driven approach to problem-solving that is used in manufacturing and other industries to improve the overall quality and efficiency of a process. The six-sigma method is based on five key phases: Define, Measure, Analyze, Improve and Control (DMAIC). It uses statistical analysis to identify and remove the causes of defects and variability in a process. It is designed to help organizations improve the efficiency and effectiveness of their processes, and to reduce costs and increase customer satisfaction. This method requires dedicated resources, leadership commitment and a culture of continuous improvement to be successful.

The above techniques are just a few of the many problem-solving techniques that are available. The best approach will depend on the specific problem you’re trying to solve and the resources you have available. It’s also important to remember that problem-solving is an iterative process, and a combination of techniques may be necessary in order to achieve the best results. However, it is important to always document your winning strategy to avoid redundancy and duplicity of effort should in case similar problems occur in the future.

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Personal Development

Life at the speed of thought and innovation

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Photo Credit: Bruno Scramgnon on Pexels

BY DANIEL COLE

Have you ever wondered why the Dark Ages was called Dark? It’s because there wasn’t much scientific, cultural or human development or advancement during that era if there were any at all; man’s state of existence was primitive. In the 1500s, people ascribed all events they didn’t understand to God. Why did the crops fail? God did it. Why did we have an earthquake? God did it. What holds the planets in place? God. But as man became more enlightened, we began the search for a more scientific understanding – physics, chemistry, biology, and so forth.

Man’s ability to think, in my opinion, is the greatest gift God gave to Mankind. Socrates, Aristotle, Pythagoras, Plato, Thales, and so many great Philosophers whose works and intellectual produce are still considered relevant today, existed before Christ was born, which underpins the limit of ‘religion and spirituality’ in man’s ability to critically think, and proffer practical solutions to his daily life problems. I have always believed that spirituality is not against reasoning. Our world has advanced not only because of financial resources but also because of an intellectual resource.

One of the most relevant skills in our world today is problem-solving, which I fondly refer to as “Thinking Skill.” The ability to critically think through a problem and proffer practical, workable solutions. The next new frontiers of our world will not be people who blindly accept popular views or generally accepted ideas, but rather, those who are not intellectually lazy to put in the time and effort to find relevant facts, collect data and through that extrapolates to a logical and rational conclusion.

People who are not afraid to question the ‘Truth’, not for the sake of proofing their ingenuity, but rather because they refuse to be held back by the result of somebody else’s thinking. And this is true of Albert Einstein; the world has believed the Isaac Newton law of gravitational pull for hundreds of years before Einstein proofs him wrong. Jim Collins wrote, “The best students are those who never believe their professors.”

In fact, for almost three decades, I have always believed Charles Darwin postulated the evolution theory, well, I was wrong, Darwin popularized the theory of evolution by natural selection, but the roots of the theory came from Greek philosophy. The idea dates back to centuries before Darwin. Three natural philosophers of the ancient world worked on the idea; they are Anaximander (c. 610 BC – c. 546 BC), Empedocles (495 BC – 435 BC) and Lucretius (99 BC – 55 BC). Bruce Calvert was right, “Believing is easier than thinking. Hence so many more believers than thinkers.”

Today, with enough data to proof and scientific evidence available, we now believe the earth to be spherical. However, in the nineteenth century, during the Middle Ages, certain scholars have always believed that the earth was flat. The world is moving at the speed of thought and innovation. What informs your view about life? In a time where Google seems to have an answer to every question, we should ask ourselves, are we still thinking or we are unconsciously outsourcing it?

Take a thoughtful consideration of the things you’ve believed. Have you been indoctrinated to living life the way you’re living it? I am not suggesting taking a Nihilistic view of life, but stay curious, and stay informed. In the words of John Maxwell, “As you begin changing your thinking, start immediately to change your behaviour. Begin to act the part of the person you would like to become. Take action on your behaviour. Too many people want to feel, then take action. This never works.”

Thinking is a skill. We all need to be intentional about engaging in it. Remember, “The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self.” Albert Einstein

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