BY: KEZIA ROYER-BURKETT

What is vulnerable communication? The word vulnerable means a person that is in a position of being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. The word communication means the imparting or exchange of information or news. If I sum up a meaning based on these definitions, vulnerable communications are the sharing of information (feelings, thoughts, etc.) while you are in a position where your feelings could be hurt, your thoughts could be judged, and you can be left feeling less than. For many people, including me, vulnerable communication sounds insanely scary and way out of my controlling comfort zone, but what is life without balance?  I don’t think I was ever taught to be vulnerable; my dad always taught me never to show weakness, never cry in front of people and to always rely on myself and my abilities. But in a relationship, lack of vulnerability can be detrimental and as well as lack of communication. All healthy, loving relationships need good communication practices included into the foundation but communicating sometimes is the least of our worries. We know how to communicate, but do we know how to communicate with love and understanding? I think vulnerable communication is valuable in every relationship because it allows two individuals to connect to each other and love each other and display love in a healthy balanced manner.

I once read a funny meme that said that we spend the first two years of children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk then we spend the following twelve years telling them to sit down and stop talking – LOL. Society teaches us to be quiet, not to be attention seeking or free thinking, we are expected to act like everyone else and be “good” people. The innate instinct to protect oneself from harm can sometimes take over areas of our lives where defense mechanisms are not needed, and relationships are one of them. The norm is not to freely express emotions and to push uncomfortable topics under the rug.

To me, vulnerable communication is like going on a journey to understanding town and empathy city, where there is no judgment, but there are love and trust. When in a disagreement with a loved one and emotions intensify, most times logic begins to decrease drastically. Here are some points on how you can practice vulnerable communication;

• When communicating with a loved one about how you feel use verbs during your moments of vulnerable communication. Like I need, want, desire, hope for, etc. so that you are focusing on your needs while expressing your thoughts and feelings and not concentrate on your partner’s shortcoming or issues you may have with them at the time.
• Be detailed and speak specifically. If you can’t remember all of the details, then it’s probably not essential and cannot help. Truthfully communicate your thoughts and feelings.
• Get out of your head, being vulnerable means that you are sharing all of yourself without hiding behind the defense walls we put up so people can perceive us in a certain light. Ideal vulnerable communication allows no room for judgment by self or others.

Being vulnerable doesn’t always feel good, actually, it has never felt good to me.  But it is the best way to communicate clearly, humbly and intentionally on difficult subjects and to be a genuine person. Vulnerable communication can only have successful results in a secure, loving, healthy, balanced committed relationship. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship, but the people involved have to love each other, differences and all. Vulnerable communication isn’t the and all be all, answer to relationship issues, but it is a great tool that disrupts the idea of judgment and regret. Hard to be regretful when you sincerely and lovingly share your thoughts and feelings with a loved one, with only the hope of being understood and heard. If you are in a healthy, loving relationship, you should be able to fearlessly be yourself and share your thoughts, opinions, and feelings with your loved one.

Are you dating or in a relationship? How do you communicate with your partner in difficult situations? Email me at Kezia@carib101.com with all of your love and relationship stories and if you have any questions or need some advice about dating and relationships. I love reading your stories and kind words of support. Love and Light.

BY: KEZIA ROYER-BURKETT

Last week’s “Dating in the church gone wrong” was the most popular article I have written to date. Thank you so much to all the readers that took their time to read and send in their stories, opinions, and comments. It sparked a discussion surrounding what appears to be a controversial topic, dating in church. Many readers had questions about what exactly I meant by using the term “dating”. According to Wikipedia “dating” is a stage of a romantic relationship whereby two people meet socially with the aim of deciding whether they are a match for marriage, and that definition is the one I intended when I referred to “dating” in my last article.

A sad reminder that was apparent from my previous article is that many people are faced with the reality of influential people sharing their strong, overbearing opinions and dictating how other individuals should live their lives. Strong views, at times, can indeed override one’s thoughts and feelings and put you in a position where your thoughts and feelings are submissive to the influencers.  I received many comments from readers telling me where the gentleman in the story went wrong, and how it wasn’t the church’s fault, and how I should go about finding a husband. In a day and age where there are dating apps, dating advice professionals, matchmaker consultants, pastors and family members telling individuals how to date, when do the people who are single have the opportunity to self-check what they want and desire in a life partner?

Where are the people and services teaching people how to be self-aware about who they are and the qualities they desire in a partner? Is there a formula for a successful relationship that will lead to a long happy marriage?  Some cultures believe that arranged marriages are best and the parents should choose a life partner for their child. Various religions and cultures have practices that are intended to join two individuals in a successful, happy, holy, long, prosperous relationship. But the truth of the matter is, all of the qualities that make up a good connection are dependent upon the individuals and less on the actual practices themselves.

I have had many heartbreaks, breakups and sad, vulnerable moments with men and so have billions of other people in this world from different races, cultures, and religions. As humans we are all subject to pain and hard times, it’s the nature of life, also known as yin and yang. It doesn’t matter how hard we try to avoid heartache, and pain, it is inevitable. I believe that open, honest, dialogue can dispel the majority of difficulties that are associated with romantic relationships and also knowing when to check other’s opinions at the door respectfully.

Advice from family, friends and community leaders can be great, but connecting with yourself and determining what is best for you is always the best scenario. Outside advice can help you see another perspective but it should never overshadow your gut feeling and your ability to make decisions for yourself. The church is not the only place dating and relationships have ended in mishap; Where there are humans there are errors. The good thing about this thing we call life is that every day we are alive and well, we have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, make wiser decisions and evolve into better people. In the Bible in the Book of Proverbs, chapter 22 verse 6 it says: “Train your child up in the way they should go and even when they are old they will not turn away from it.” I think this is a great verse to remind “elder meddlers” that if they did their job correctly with the children, there is no need to interfere with adult’s decision making unless help is requested and even then suggestions and guidance should be given not directives and ultimatums.

If you are looking for a resource to help improve your communication skills in any relationship check out the Love Languages test at 5lovelanguages.com. The Love Languages test is a good free resource I have used myself. The test is intended to help couples learn and gain understanding about the various ways in which people can show love and receive love. It helps disrupt the mindset that there is only one way to go about a relationship and it highlights the individuality and uniqueness of every relationship.  As Always Love and Light!

BY: KEZIA ROYER-BURKETT

I grew up going to church every Sunday with my family; it was just what we did. I always thought I would marry someone from the same faith as me but as time goes on it’s starting to look very bleak. I have experienced more negative situations dating guys I have met at church than anywhere else. My parents always asked when I start dating a guy “Is he Christian?” I used to feel guilty saying no when I began to venture outside of dating guys at church. But now I care less about religion but more about how the guy lives his life, I like to see if his said beliefs match his actions. Anyone can go to church on Sunday, it doesn’t mean they are a good person. 

At the age of fourteen, my parents decided to attend a new church, and the head pastor of the church was a woman. As a young girl growing up in the church, I had never seen a woman as the head of the church, and I was in awe of what appeared to be extraordinary progressive leadership. 

At the age of sixteen, I volunteered at the church’s summer camp as a camp leader. That summer I met this guy that helped with the accounting at the church and we instantly connected. He took me on my first real date ever. As a girl growing up, I always dreamed of meeting the man of my dreams at a young age, and we would grow up together like the movie Love and Basketball. We would meet in my first year of high school, grade nine and date all throughout my high school years, go to prom together like I saw on tv and possibly go to the same post-secondary school. The guy and I officially became boyfriend and girlfriend a couple of weeks after meeting as my parents surprisingly agreed to the relationship. He was such a nice guy, he volunteered at church and attended bible study. He genuinely loved the Lord and motivated me to strengthen my relationship with God.

People at church started to learn about our relationship and it even got back to the head pastor which was a bit shocking because it was a 5,000 member church. The guy that I had fallen hopelessly in love with, was being mentored to become a pastor so the pastors at the church kept a close eye on his activities etc. The age gap of us dating really rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, he was five years older than me but over eighteen and I was sixteen, so before our relationship could really start it faced a lot of opposition. We decided to keep our relationship private, we didn’t sit together at church, and I didn’t share the details of my relationship with people. My first real relationship was a secret, but I was ok with it because I figured it wouldn’t be like this forever. I was almost eighteen and then we could make our relationship public.

To make a long story short the guy I was dating was forced to break up with me as per the pastor’s instructions because they said we were not spiritually compatible. I was now seventeen and heartbroken, who was I going to go to prom with? How could someone else decide who should and shouldn’t date?  The guy was encouraged to date and marry another girl from the church, someone they had asked to mentor me.  So basically my boyfriend married my mentor, and I was left single and confused.

My ex’s marriage lasted about five years maximum, he was unhappy.  He didn’t want to be married to that woman, he did it for the church, and ended up stuck in a position.  He was asked to leave the church because of the divorce and remarried and is living happily with his new growing family.

I share all of this to ask, is it the church’s position to determine who people date and marry?  Should anyone, even religious leaders have more influence over your life than your conscience? The irony of this story is that the pastor is divorced herself and giving ultimatum style advice to members of her church and landing them in failing marriages.

Have you ever experienced dating drama at church? Or any other religious institution? If so, please share your stories with me and I will share them through the column.