I just know it felt good to stop feeling for a minute; reliving my past trauma

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

As I watched everyone chit chatting and getting ready for bed, I just stood there unsure what to do. Finally, I saw Andrea round the corner and go over to the mattress area. She began to speak to one of the girls who seemed to be in charge of passing out the mattresses. She pointed over at me, and the girl looked over. They continued to talk, and finally Andrea walked over to me.

“Alright love,” she began. “They are going to hand out all of the mattresses and see what is left when they are done.”

She must have seen my face, because she began to reassure me right away. “Don’t worry! It is your first night. It is like this for everyone. You are going to be fine. Don’t worry!” When I think back to how blessed I was to have met her, it brings tears to my eyes.

She squeezed my shoulder and walked back over to where the mattresses were being handed out. I saw her speaking to the same girl again, and the girl gestured to the back of the room that had all the mattresses. Andrea disappeared into the dark room and re-emerged with a thin mattress, no thicker than one of the mats that we used to use in gym class. Remember the ones that you could Velcro back onto the walls? Yeah. Those.

Andrea walked back over to me with the makeshift mattress in hand. “I got you a bed love,” she said. “I don’t have a pillow for you though. I am sorry.”

 “It’s okay,” I replied. “I have a pillow.” I was referring to my neck pillow, which had served as a pillow when I was in jail a few days earlier.

“Find a place quickly because it is going to be lights out soon,” Andrea warned. “I will come find you in the morning for breakfast. Get some rest okay. Have a good night,” and with that she turned around and disappeared in the back.

I slowly looked around trying to find a free spot. I began to watch how the other women were positioning themselves. There didn’t seem to be any free spots. I figured I would wait until everyone had put their mattresses down, and then I would pick a spot.

After about five minutes, it seemed like everyone had settled down. All of a sudden the lights went out. Here I was standing up with a mattress in hand trying to feel myself around in the dark. Instead of moving, I decided to put the mattress down right where it was. I figured at least if Andrea were trying to find me in the morning, I would be where she left me.

I slowly lay down on my back. I couldn’t lay on my left or right side tonight. My hips had started to hurt from the previous three to four nights sleeping on newspapers. The mattress was thin, but at that moment, it felt like a Sleep Country mattress.

The girls were still chattering amongst themselves, but things had begun to wind down. As I lay there, I heard music coming from somewhere. It sounded like a club, or a party. Some of the girls started singing to the music that was drifting through the walls. I felt a pang of regret and jealousy. I was locked away here, while people were enjoying themselves only a couple kilometres away.

Tears filled my eyes. I was so mad at myself. How the hell did I get myself into this mess? How could I have allowed myself to get involved in such foolishness, and for what?

I closed my eyes and sobbed softly to myself. I actually felt safe enough to cry. Here. In the dark, with no one watching me. I don’t even remember when I fell asleep; I just know it felt good to stop feeling for a minute.