When it comes to health, my father always told me that good luck is as important, if not more so, than good genes. Like genes, luck is allocated at life’s outset. Watching nightly news on wars, famine, and other disasters has always made me grateful to have been born in Canada. Yet, there’s something to be said for manufacturing your luck too. Sometimes the greatest good fortune comes not from happenstance, but from the choices you make, and among the most consequential of choices is the selection of a life partner.
People commonly equate getting married with happiness., but it is every bit as important to health. Research shows that being teamed up doesn’t only add years to life, which on average it does. It also means quicker recognition of symptoms of a health problem, a supportive push to see the doctor and assistance in getting there, and caring advocacy for best interests.
Former President Jimmy Carter, who lived to 100, credited his 77-year union with Rosalynn as “The best thing I ever did.” Comedian Rita Rudner said, “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Herein, two commonly unrecognized elements of how marriage generates health: love and laughter. If you are lucky, you get both.
In addition to the benefit of living longer, people in committed partnerships recover more quickly from illness, and face: lower risks of depression, dementia, heart disease, and even cancer, but the quality of the union matters. Stress-filled, resentful partnerships are like slow-acting poisons, raising blood pressure and weakening the immune system.
The healthiest marriages, in fact, are not fairy tales. They are long experiments in teamwork, patience, forgiveness, and stamina. Healthy unions generate happiness, but they also test the ability to recover after inevitable ruptures: little ones or big ones. In finding good health, resilience is more important than avoiding every risk. The healthiest people are not those who never fall ill, but those who rebound well. The same is true in relationships. A marriage that can heal after conflict, adapt through change, and find laughter in the middle of the mess is often the strongest of all.
Think of it like inflammation. In the body, chronic inflammation erodes health, quietly damaging arteries, joints, even the brain. In a marriage, unresolved resentment does the same. Forgiveness, like an anti-inflammatory, doesn’t erase the injury, but it allows healing to begin.
How do shared struggles strengthen your bond and lead to better health? Couples who weather illness, financial strain, or any kind of trouble with children often emerge closer than before. A new kind of bond develops from hardships. Much like bones that sometimes heal stronger at the fracture site, marriages can become most resilient at their breaking points. Unfortunately, too few people know this. It’s not taught. People give up, and therein lose a great deal.
It seems wrong to be overly calculating about marriage. Falling in love is so much more romantic than arranged marriages, but there comes a time in any partnership when it’s useful to develop skills of appreciation. Both individuals in a couple need to know that arguing about the thermostat can be an opportunity for expressing care for each other. Whatever the issue, when tempers flare, you’ll be wise to remember how much stronger the team is than the sole player. Years on, you won’t recall who ‘won’ the thermostat battle, only that you fought it together.
Don’t aim for a perfect partnership. Aim for a resilient one. Done well together, this is its own form of health.
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