Just read your column & yes I’m in the same situationship!!! I’ve been with a man for eighteen months and nothing has changed for the better! Texts me, hardly ever calls, has never taken me out, has never bought me anything etc…. I have never been to his house, he comes to mine!!! Never met his kids, he met mine!!! I’ve told him on numerous occasions that I’m not happy but he seems to ignore my wishes! I don’t care what he’s doing behind my back, I just wish he would seriously back off & leave me alone! I suggested friends only many times but he’s in denial. He acts jealous when I tell him I’m going away or busy doing something else! I have options, thank God, but I just wish he would seriously back off! What can you offer me as help or suggestions?
Thank you! Lina
First, I would like to say thank you for your e-mail. Unfortunately, many women get suckered into these situationship type relationships. Personally, what has worked for me is setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. Majority of people especially women have expectations of how we want our life to look and when circumstances don’t fit our expectations we become dissatisfied and unhappy. This man that you have been in a situationship with seems to be very happy and comfortable, leaving you miserable and not receiving what you want and need out of a romantic relationship. This man does not seem that he wants the same things out of life that you want, so in my opinion, he needs to be cut off. In life we are supposed to have a purpose, we set intentions and take specific steps to attain the goals we have set for ourselves and this man’s intentions seems to be to waste your time. If he had intentions of building a relationship with you, he would take you out on dates, introduce you to his children and show you he appreciates your presence in his life. Instead, he seems to be taking your presence for granted and assumes he will always have access to you, as he has for the past eighteen months. Setting boundaries and communicating clear expectations for an individual you are beginning a romantic relationship with are some simple ways to weed out the men that just want to waste your time.
I don’t think you should remain friends with this gentleman as this seems to be a gateway for him to have access to your life and if you think about it are you really friends with this man? How many of your friends only hang out with you at your house? Or have never met their children? Friends typically share their lives with each other and want the best for each other. If after you have communicated your dissatisfaction about your “relationship” to this man and he hasn’t changed, it’s a definite indicator that your feelings are not a priority to him and that doesn’t seem very friendly in my opinion.
Also, ask yourself have you stayed in this situationship for eighteen months because you weren’t one hundred percent ready for a full-fledged relationship? I can speak from experience that I have allowed myself to be in a situationship because mentally I didn’t think I was ready or capable of a committed romantic relationship. I felt I needed to focus on school, giving my attention to my son and being the best mom. But after a while, I realized that the situationship wasn’t what I wanted and had to reset my mindset towards dating and relationships. Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in circumstances we don’t like and wonder how we got there. These are the moments in our lives we need to do a self-check of our subconscious mind and hear some of the negative thoughts we tell ourselves like; I deserve this situationship because I’m bad at relationships, or I don’t have time for a committed relationship even though it’s something I want and the best lie we tell ourselves is that maybe the situationship will change and grow into a real relationship. I have been guilty of these thoughts myself. Connecting to myself and creating a list of the attributes I would like in a relationship help me stay focused and not lose sight of precisely what I want. Hopefully, this advice helps your situation, speaking wholeness, love, and light to you readers this week.