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Beyoncé’s song Upgrade You featuring Jay-Z popped into my head when I thought about a guy I dated aka had a situationship with. What is a situationship you ask? Well according to Urban Dictionary it is a relationship that has no label on it… like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship. To me, a situationship is primarily a mechanism men use to scam women out of a relationship but still receive relationship benefits.

Last year just days before New Year’s Eve New Year I decided to reach out to a guy I had dated for almost two years but had known for ten years. I sent him a text to see if he had read the book I suggested he read which was the Alchemist (if you haven’t read it, it’s a must read). The guy I had the situationship with hadn’t read the book, he hadn’t even bought the book, and I was automatically turned off and remembered why I no longer wanted to be with him. He said the same old stale lines to me, and that’s when the Beyoncé song Upgrade You melody started playing in my head. After looking up the song on YouTube and singing along and having a girl power moment I decided to look up the word upgrade so I could have a working definition for myself. The word upgrade means to raise something to a higher standard or to improve it, which is basically what the lyrics of Beyoncé’s song says she’s doing for Jay-Z and vice versa. By joining forces with someone with similar purpose and vision, it should lead to an automatic improvement. What I was doing with this guy and with many guys in my past was nothing but a situationship. I spent years dating and planning many lives with many men, and I was left still single. I realized that I hadn’t been in many real relationships in my life, but I had been a personal assistant, interest-free loan giver, life coach, driver, personal cheerleader, personal chef and on-call lover to many men. I realized me and millions of other people needed to comprehend the difference between a relationship which is meant to upgrade you as a person and a situationship which drains the people involved and leaves them with nothing to show after emotional and financial investments have been made.

It was clear to me at that moment the difference between relationships and the grey area that looks and feels like a relationship but is energy sucking and has no outcome of a relationship and gives no opportunity for improvement. Typically, when you receive an upgrade at a resort or hotel you receive perks and benefits that you didn’t pay for, you are treated with extra care and attention. You feel like your presence is wanted and that you matter. But my situationship with this guy and other men in my past looked nothing like an upgrade and was quite far from Beyoncé’s version of an upgrade. I set a new standard for myself and refused to allow this new wave of dating to invade my life. I’m sure situationships are not a new trend, but it is a trend that I have seen more often recently than any other time in my dating life.

Some people are fans of situationships and feel like it works for their lifestyle, but I am probably not one of those people anymore. If I’m dating a guy and I feel like his presence in my life isn’t adding value or upgrading me in any way, the only logical thing for me to think that it is taking away from me. As soon as I feel talking to a guy is turning into a situationship I will automatically check out, with no chance of return, no positive Yelp or Google review and most likely no future contact. My #relationshipgoals are for me to upgrade my partner with everything I have to offer and for my partner to do the same for me.

Hey readers! Are any of you unsure if you are in a relationship or a situationship? Email me at and let me know the scenario so I can attempt to shed light on it.  And let me know if situationships are ever ideal?  Or any other questions or stories you may like to share about love and relationships. I look forward to hearing from you and sharing your questions and stories here in this column. Until then Love, Likes and Shares xo. 


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